Six most awkward Final Fantasy VII scenes the remake might struggle with

Tifa and Scarlet’s slap fight

This one is plain old misogynistic. Tifa is a badass. We liked her for different reasons when we were 13-years-old, but as an adult, it’s a bit easier to appreciate her for her martial arts and as the emotional anchor of the group. She keeps everyone around her grounded in reality, keeps Cloud’s lies in check, and knows how to throw down in a fix.

Which is why her slapping contest with Shinra executive Scarlet seems so out of place. At the beginning of the second CD, the Weapons have been released upon the world, and Cloud is missing. Tifa wakes up in the custody at Junon while a battle rages outside between Shinra’s forces and Sapphire weapon. After freeing herself from a gas chamber, her only means of escape is to run towards the end of the Junon cannon and leap to safety aboard the airship.

She almost makes it, but Shinra executive Scarlet follows her, expertly able to balance on the narrow, rounded cannon in her high heels, and challenges Tifa to… a slap fight. Tifa, a martial artist of the highest caliber accepts, and the two share a weird moment where they slap each other in the face to the point of submission.

Yup, this needs to go. In the remake, Tifa should just unload her fists on Scarlet and not be reduced to negative female stereotypes.

Rufus’ “death” scene

Continuity problems abound here. At the end of the second CD, Diamond Weapon launches an assault on the city of Midgar and seeks to take the Shinra Corporation with it. It launches a barrage of energy projectiles at the company’s headquarters, and President Rufus is killed in a massive explosion after they slam into his office.

Of course, Advent Children and Dirge of Cerberus, like the lame pieces of fan-service that they are, brought back President Rufus. These claim that he somehow survived the explosion thanks to an escape hatch that happened to be right below his feet. Of course, the real reason is that the writers still need Shinra to exist in any Final Fantasy VII story just as much as they need Sephiroth, so Rufus gets to live to see another day.

Of course, in the original cutscene, Rufus is clearly engulfed in flames and has no chance of surviving. For the sake of continuity and the altered canon, Square Enix will have to remake this cutscene since you can no longer misinterpret the dated CG.

Palmer and the Truck

Rocket Town is the final location Cloud and friends visit on their tour of the two main continents. It is the only place with a private airplane that can take the party to further locations outside of established routes. Wutai, the Northern Continent, the southern swamps of Mideel, these are all inaccessible without the aid of the Tiny Bronco.

Shinra is also seeking this mode of transportation and sends Rufus and Palmer to collect it from its owner Cid. While Rufus distracts the irritable pilot, Palmer sneaks behind the house to lift it right out from under Cid’s nose. Cloud and friends stop him, a boss fight ensues, and then this happens once Palmer realizes he’s been beaten.

Now… Palmer is sort of a joke in Shinra. He’s at the bottom of the executive ladder because he’s charge of space exploration, Shinra’s least profitable branch, and he’s always kissing up to those who hold more power than him. Seeing this balding, aging, brown-noser who dances like a monkey in a fight get hit by a truck is funny while he’s rendered by a pile of indecipherable polygons.

However, Square Enix is really going to have to stretch to make a more realistic Palmer getting tossed by a truck hit the same humor beats.

Leave a Reply